Wednesday, November 08, 2006
First of, if you don't want to read crappy sad stories or fucked up whining then I suggest you should stop reading and leave. I don't want to hear any bullshit about how annoying and whiney I am in my tag board. So I bid you goodbye.
It was just awhile ago when I did my sudden out burst. Apparently some teachers from San Fransico is going to visit our school tommorow and we were just informed today. Our teacher had us fix the classroom and add some color in our bulletin board, so we were excused for rest of the period. The other boys really didn't do anything they just played the guitar or just goof around, how typical. Even our president was goofing around with them, mostly it was just me and the others who actually helped fix our bulletin board, but it didn't turn out well. We ended up not with a bulletin board but a board filled with all sorts of doodles. At the end of the class I realize that what we did, well mostly what I did was a really big mistake. I couldn't finish it since we still have two more periods.
After P.E. it was our dismissal. Apperantly Lady luck didn't shine on me today, she spat on me. Fuck her. Our homeroom teacher saw the bulletin board that we did and said we better fix it more since it look liked someone vandalized it, yeah..it's not I hate our homeroom teacher but sheesh...give us a break will ya!?! So I asked for our president's help so we would fix it but it seems like he was just ignoring me. I started panicking so I called out to one of my classmate for help but he was too busy playing volleyball with the others. In the end they did sorta help me but it wasn't really any help. At that point I was in the level of depression, I was so stressed out and all the pressure was getting to me head! (don't ask why I just was) And to make things worst our homeroom teacher was nowhere in sight! I went down to look for him and while doing so I saw the lower years working together. Then I felt something hit me really hard. I found out that our teacher was now gone, the other students left, the others were still playing and the rest didn't really care. I was really sad. I sat down on the floor and looked up to see the lowers years helping each other and having fun doing so. I looked at our bulletin board and started to break down.
For 14 years I sat there pouring my poor and pathetic heart out. I didn't give a damn if anyone was watching. Screw them all! I didn't care if my eyes were all puffy and red from crying, so what it's not like they would give hell for it. I didn't give crap if I looked like an idiot. I just cried. For 14 years I built a brick wall around my sadness and each year I just threw them in. It seems they were too many and decided to burst out. I really didn't really have a reason for crying...I just felt like it. God! I hated myself for doing that! I really wanted to hit myself really hard 'til I drop dead. Also I never really had a reason to cry (Yay...screw meh...).
Maybe I cried because since last year and maybe the year before my classmates were known to be trouble makers. They were always known because of a scandal or whatever crap there may be, but most of all they were always the one being blamed. I really hate it when the teachers all gang up and start complaning, sure I admit they were a tad annoying and noisy...okay I mean really annoying and noisy, not to mention mischievous and all around a pain in the ass but, still they were always being blamed and treated lowly. Screw whatever the teachers say about them being treated lowly and us being disrespectful. What do they even know about us?
Whatever the reason was that it doesn't really matter. The thing is that I cried for a very long time, and in public! Something that I never imagine myself doing or ever dared too. My cousin and my remaining classmates came and saw me crying. Sigh...I had reasons for hiding myself from crying in public. One: People stare, Two: Too many questions are asked, Three: Word will spread out about this and more questions will be asked and may lead to whatever rumors there is (screw all those rumors to hell and back!) and lastly Four: I dispise the feeling I get when I cry; it's hard for me to breath and it's like someone is chocking me away from my oxygen supply!
No matter how many times I tried to hide my tears or just make them stop they would just pour more. I really hated myself for crying like that, but I can't help it, it was too late and many people saw me. I just cried on Carla, one of my classmates, and just cried. She said comforting words to me but they never reached my ears. My cousin, Thea, was being herself and did whatever she did, but I know she cared. My other classmates, Alexis, Jake and Lian, were comforting me as well. I told them what happened from the start when I was thinking for a way to fix the bulletin board, to the part when I was looking for our teacher, to the part when I saw the lower classes and lastly to when I broke down (sheesh..I really am pathetic, aren't I?).
After calming down a bit, my classmates tried to make me cheer up a bit. I told them what I felt. When I was worried about what would happen to them if we screw up. At that time I realize how I really care about them, each and every one of them. Will it be Lian, Jake, Alexis, Mickey, Carla, Thea, old and new classmates I cared about them a lot. They were like my second family. The people I'm not afraid to show who I really am without worrying what they might think of me. The friends I can count on no matter what may happen. I got it all from the bottom of my heart, but I never told them, it'll stay as me secret for a while.
In the end nothing really happen, it's like they were used to this kind of crap. I washed my face and dried my tears and went down. My classmates promised me that they'll come early tommorow and help, I just hope they keep that promise. Man! was I really screwed! We , my cousin and I, went down and waited for my Uncle to pick us up. I saw my classmate, Jethro, playing badminton so I decided to join in, hoping that my still puffy eyes and red face vanish. I really enjoyed playing; at that time I felt like a half of the weight I've been carrying for a very long time dissapeared. I felt more revealed and light. I guess the saying 'Keeping your tears in the inside would make you look strong in the outside, but if you let those tears out, in the end you would feel stronger than you have ever felt before both inside and outside...' was true. I should have listened to Sister Rosette. Anyway, after playing I was really revealed. I didn't care if my heart was pumping five times more faster than usual or sweating like a pig or even smell like one. I was just happy.
I talked with Jizelle, a friend of mine, and told her what I felt. I didn't bother if she understood me or not but I was just satisfied that she decided to listen to what I need to say. It's really great to get half of it out of my system. Why half you say? Well that's just another story. I'm planning to keep all of my tears for something special and it's my little secret!
After that our aunt came to pick us up and the day went by like always, but I was really tired and I needed some shut eye. My brother was annoying me again but I didn't bother to even tell him to leave me alone since I was out of energy to do so. My mom and grandma was fighting again..sigh...like I said it's the the same old, same old. So anyhow..I'm going to finish this and get some shut eye..yeah...some sleep would be nice.
But before going I just wanna thank some friends. To Carla, thank you so much for lending me your shoulder to cry on and for your comforting words. To Jake, Lian and Alexis, thanks a lot for trying to make me feel better, even if they just gave me a small smile...thanks. To Jethro and Justine, thank you for letting me play with you that it made me feel alot better. To Jizelle, for listening to me and sharing your thoughts as well, thank you! And lastly to Thea, my cousin and best friend since childhood, Thank you for..being yourself...just seeing you just makes my day...THANK YOU!!!
Also I would like to apologize for any wrong grammars or spelling errors so if you do notice some then just keep your mouth shut 'cause I don't want to hear crap like "hey..sorry about what you felt hope ya get better..oh yeah you made a mistake in blah..blah.." or any of that shit because I really get pissed of those comments. If you don't have anything good to say then zip you piehole!
Yeah..bye...
~Meg
AnnoCat
3:20 AM
Friday, October 06, 2006
Konnichiwa minna-san!
Yay! We now got the connection back! I can now update!
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Oh shoot...I got nothing to say....ehehehehe ^_^'
Okay...Uhmm...I'll just thank Thea for helping meh creat this blog. DOMO ARIGATO GOZAIMASU, THEA-KUN!!!!
Anyway...I'll just figure out what Mickey wants meh to do....
~Ja ne!!!!
AnnoCat
4:42 AM
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
This is my first time here in 'blogger' so please be nice. I really don't know what to say....My cousin just told me to write whatever I wanna write..but I really have not idea what to write....oh well...
Ja Ne! ^_^-
~AnnoCat
AnnoCat
1:54 AM
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